This song came on the radio today and I really love the lyrics.  I think it speaks to our circumstances and situations bringing us to Him.

"Call it a reason to retreat
I got some dreams that are bigger than me
I might be outmatched, outsized, the underdog in the fight of my life
Is it so crazy to believe

That You gave me the stars put them out of my reach
Called me to waters a little too deep
Oh, I've never been so aware of my need
You keep on making me see
It's way beyond me
It's way beyond me
Yeah, it's out of my league
It's way beyond me
It's way beyond me
It's way beyond …

Anything that I got the strength to do
In over my head keeps me countin' on You
I'm leaving the sweet spot, sure shot
Tradin' it all for the plans You got
Is it so crazy to believe

You take me to the place where I know I need You
Straight to the depths that I can't handle on my own
And the Lord I know, I know I need You
So take me to Your great …
Take me to Your great unknown"

Toby Mac

Undoing the Power of the Past

This isn't a post I wanted to write. It's not fun to remember.  However, it keeps coming up. We all have our stories and our wounds.  This season is reminiscent of another time and I don't like the way it makes me feel. Some demons don't like to die.

This isn't the first time I have been really ill. The last time it was this bad was almost twenty years ago when I was a freshman in college.  I loved the freedom and I enjoyed the academics.  Used to burning the candle on both ends, I thrived... until I got sick and refused to see the doctor.

A friend picked me up one day to go out.  She and I had a long standing appointment with the local pizza place.  However, we ended up at a doctor's office at which she had made an appointment for me and then paid the bill.  Turns out, I had a sinus infection, double ear infection, and the flu.

I could never seem to recover completely.  I dropped a few classes that spring and plugged along. I was constantly tired, had migraines, ached all over and was so weak it took several tries to crawl (yes, I said crawl) to the bathroom at night. I saw a gamut of doctors and had innumerable tests, including an MRI.

With no answers, I lost friends who thought I was a party pooper.  Although most of my professors were gracious with extensions and absences, the school was wary of associating with my "hypochondria". And my church had no clue and thus no support for my situation. I felt very alone.

I moved into an apartment with a couple people that summer. I had a bookkeeping job which added panic and anxiety attacks to the health issues. A doctor I was seeing didn't know what was going on and threw some pills at me to help with the symptoms.  I could hardly function and quit my job.  It took a few months to finally find a less stressful job and I barely hung on.

I made some unwise choices. Some traumatic things happened. And eventually one day I was looking  at the creek running near the apartment and thought, "What if I take every pill in the house, jump into this creek and when it goes into the culvert I don't fight it and that's the end of this?"

I realized I was at the end of myself and I needed help. At that point, I had no one except my parents. They readily welcomed me home.

They made an appointment with a rheumatologist who diagnosed me with fibromyalgia. He again threw a bunch of pills at me but when I struggled with the side effects, my mom did tons of research and found natural alternatives that helped me heal.

It took two years to recover. I re-grouped and decided I could move to attend college a few hours away. It was super scary. I had to be so careful with my health and not many understood that. Again I felt very isolated.  I was also terrified of the things that happened while I was ill. It was hard to trust myself, to trust anyone.

Fast forward to a couple years ago.... I hardly had fibromyalgia symptoms. Overexertion and weather/seasonal changes were expected to cause some flare-ups.  Otherwise, clear skies and smooth sailing, so to speak.

Now I face this giant... this monster multiplied and I realize I am filled with FEAR; fear that remembers the last battle and what it cost.  Not only do I not have my parents readily available physically but I have my own family that I am responsible for.  I feel so vulnerable. I feel weak. There's a huge level of mistrust and maybe even some slight paranoia. I'm scared of being misunderstood. I'm scared of being abandoned.

I know this fear has to be conquered. 2Timothy 1:7  "For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control".  God is providing an opportunity to get into this old wound and heal it some more. Maybe I will have less of a scar, but it sure isn't pretty.

I have to remind myself of TRUTH. This is a different experience.  It is happening alongside a loving husband and adoring children. I have friends who stick close as sisters. My church uplifts me and my family in prayer. And whatever power the past and present has on me I say, "As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good" Genesis 50:20.

Undoing the Stigma of the Bench

Basketball and Cheerleading has started for my kids this year. I was my son's coach for a couple years, but this year I had to decline. It was a tough decision. I love basketball. I love this program. I love my son and the bonding opportunity.

Saturday was their first game. As I sat watching my son, prompting plays, and cheering on his efforts I started to cry.  Just the adrenaline of watching was bringing symptoms to the surface and I ended up crashing that afternoon just from being a spectator.

I am so conflicted in emotion.  Right there was confirmation of making the right decision. My body is just not up to coaching this year.  And yet, I am extremely sad. I miss it so much. And there is some frustration as I feel like I have been pulled from the game and benched.

I was thinking about that this morning.  "Why have You benched me, God?" I feel like I was playing the game of life well.  I was executing plays, making baskets, assisting others, etc.  It seemed like I was an integral part of the team and growing in my knowledge and application of the game. "What have I done wrong to pull me out?"

I started going through the reasons why a coach might pull a player out of the game:
~ not hearing the coach's voice whether because of the excitement of the crowd, self-absorption, or other voices are louder.
~ allowing another player to play that position
~ providing rest in order to be put in for the last quarter
~ giving instruction on how to better play, tweak a play, and so forth

There's other scenarios as well. And I wonder. "Which of these apply to me?". Ultimately, it doesn't matter.  If I trust that God is good, that God is wise, and that God is powerful, the "why" doesn't really matter. If I trust God and His promises, I endure this season knowing that this is for my good (God loves me and wants my best) and for God's glory (that this "suffering" is not for nothing and will serve a higher purpose than just getting through).

And yet, receiving some personal, intimate ideas of why I have been benched has given some relief as well.  I am not being punished - a good Coach doesn't play that way.  I may have some behaviors that need refined, but I have a Coach that is giving me some one on one time to correct those. I may just have played my heart out the last quarter and need a rest. Or maybe someone else needs to step up and step into the places I can't play at this time.  Maybe the game is about to get harder and being benched is going to prepare me for the "last quarter".  I don't know, maybe it's all of the above.  But like I had to learn in high school basketball... it's not always a bad thing to be benched.

Undoing Control on a Molecular Level

The previous couple days have been rough.  Last week added some extra activities and I started fighting off some bug.  I've been tired, achy, discouraged and really not doing much of anything.

However, today I felt better.  I felt like maybe my body is finally kicking some of this bug. I have less of a headache, less sinus pressure, less aches and fatigue.

I generally take mornings slowly.  I have learned that if I pop out of bed and charge into my list of things to do, I am not only done for the day by noon (or sooner) but in huge trouble in every aspect: spiritually, physically, emotionally, mentally - I have spent all the energy allotted for that day.

I sit down at the computer with my breakfast to go through emails and set up the tabs we need for school.  All of a sudden I have a panic attack! I am not stressed, there are no demands on me, I'm not thinking of anything, no triggers, anything. I suddenly have a hard time breathing, my heart is racing, I'm nauseated and I am sweating.  I haven't had a panic attack like this in years.

I tell myself that I am okay (because I truly am). And now I start crying (for no reason) and shivering.

I have no idea what that was.  Maybe it was a rush of cortisol because maybe my adrenals are finally producing some... Maybe it was something else going on in this crazy body. All I know is I have used most of my energy for the day in a few minutes on something completely pointless... and I am a little ticked by that.

The point of sharing this is, I am reminded that I can't always control when and what goes on inside the tent God has given me.  There's so much going on in our bodies that we are dependent on God even for just taking the next breath.  Although that is scary sometimes, I am so glad to know that He is taking care of it even to the tiniest atom of my being.

Adrenal Fatigue

I joined a online group for Adrenal Fatigue a while ago in which a woman speaking from experience said, " Healing Advanced AF is worse than healing terminal Cancer. At least when I had Cancer, I could see that the protocols I was doing were working and healing my body. With AF; NOTHING!!!" 

I obviously haven't had cancer, and I will not die from adrenal fatigue however,  her statement resonated with me.  And in no way, do I ever want to dismiss what cancer patients go through because it is more than I could fathom.  I just felt so relieved that someone had the guts to say what is frustrating me.  I can't tell you how many different things are suggested and how many things I have tried and I still can't see the end of the tunnel! 

Adrenal Fatigue Syndrome is such a rampant disease and yet there is so much unknown about it. I thought I would share a few things that are known.

"Adrenal fatigue is a collection of signs and symptoms, known as a syndrome, that results when the adrenal glands function below the necessary level. Most commonly associated with intense or prolonged stress, it can also arise during or after acute or chronic infections, especially respiratory infections such as influenza, bronchitis or pneumonia. As the name suggests, its paramount symptom is fatigue that is not relieved by sleep but it is not a readily identifiable entity like measles or a growth on the end of your finger. You may look and act relatively normal with adrenal fatigue and may not have any obvious signs of physical illness, yet you live with a general sense of unwellness, tiredness or "gray" feelings. People experiencing adrenal fatigue often have to use coffee, colas and other stimulants to get going in the morning and to prop themselves up during the day....

Adrenal fatigue can wreak havoc with your life. In the more serious cases, the activity of the adrenal glands is so diminished that you may have difficulty getting out of bed for more than a few hours per day. With each increment of reduction in adrenal function, every organ and system in your body is more profoundly affected. Changes occur in your carbohydrate, protein and fat metabolism, fluid and electrolyte balance, heart and cardiovascular system, and even sex drive. Many other alterations take place at the biochemical and cellular levels in response to and to compensate for the decrease in adrenal hormones that occurs with adrenal fatigue. Your body does its best to make up for under-functioning adrenal glands, but it does so at a price." Dr. James Wilson

"As adrenal function is weakened further, the body's need for adrenal hormones remains unabated if stress is not reduced. The adrenals are no longer able to keep up with the ever-increasing demand for cortisol production needed to overcome the stress and they become exhausted. Cortisol output starts to decline and this usually happens gradually. If the stressors are severe, an adrenal crash may occur, to be followed by a longer than usual recovery. The body enters into the stage where the primary goal is conservation of energy to ensure survival. Systematically, the body goes into a slow-down mode and starts to break down muscle tissue to produce energy. This catabolic stage results in the breakdown of muscles and protein wasting. Chronic fatigue is common and exercise tolerance is reduced. Concurrently, chronic fibromyalgia appears. Toxic metabolites begin to accumulate throughout the body, leading to brain fog and insomnia. Depression becomes severe and constant...

 As the body tries to repair itself with the limited tools it has, there are wild, exaggerated and paradoxical autonomic-driven reactions. These are characterized by adrenaline rushes, labile blood pressure, and hypoglycemic episodes after meals and anxiety attacks. Without sufficient levels of hormones, the body goes into a full-blown shut down mode to stop as much of the non-essential functions as possible to conserve energy in order to survive. Libido is suppressed, digestion slows down and metabolic rate declines to conserve body weight. Those afflicted find themselves bed-ridden most of the time, and have energy that will last for only a short time." Dr. Lam

Tremendous Thing

"Of course we never wanted, and never asked, to be made into the sort of creatures He is going to make us into. But the question is not what we intended ourselves to be, but what He intended us to be when He made us...

The job will not be completed in this life: but He means to get us as far as possible before death. That is why we must not be surprised if we are in for a rough time. When a man turns to Christ and seems to be getting on pretty well, he often feels that it would now be natural if things went fairly smoothly. When troubles come along — illnesses, money troubles, new kinds of temptation — he is disappointed. These things, he feels, might have been necessary to rouse him and make him repent in his bad old days; but why now? Because God is forcing him on, or up, to a higher level: putting him into situations where he will have to be very much braver, more more patient, or more loving, than he ever dreamed of being before. It seems to us all unnecessary: but that is because we have not yet had the slightest notion of the tremendous thing He means to make of us." ~ CS Lewis

I could use a little more bravery, a little more patience, and a little more love. And yet,  I truly am hating (and not yet embracing) the means God is bringing those virtues.  However, I am SO immensely encouraged to know I am not in this situation because I am being punished and I AM comforted to know that this process is making me more like Christ... even in the midst of hating almost everything about it.  I truly want to get to the point where I am embracing this as a gift... and get excited about the "tremendous thing He means to make of [me}."

Present Symptoms

My symptoms may bore you and that's fine. And obviously this list isn't comprehensive - there are some symptoms I just am not going to share.

I want to mark where I am presently and hopefully see improvement down the road. These are what I am dealing with currently:

fatigue
dizziness
headaches
heart palpitations
nausea
chills and hot flashes
momentary muscle weakness
aches
hair loss
blurry vision in one eye or the other
cystic acne
tingling in hands and legs
abdominal pain
can't think or concentrate well
unable to lose weight
getting food caught in the "gullet"
easily overwhelmed (I absolutely hate this one)


Some things that have gotten BETTER:
not in bed all day
haven't had strep or throat issues in a while
lymph system draining
no longer have to wear night guard for my teeth due to grinding teeth

Intro

2014 was supposed to be a good year.

And it did have it's good points.

But it was also the year I started to become undone. Merriam-Webster defines undone as
: not fastened or tied

: not done : unfinished

: defeated or destroyed

I think this word and all it's definitions have applied at different times.  And I look forward to how God is going to bring the good and show His glory through each one.

This undoing has come about through a cumulation of many things. God brought my family through some scary situations over the last few years: preterm labor and delivery of our special needs son, his illnesses and hospital stays, and recurrent staph infections in my husband's leg among other stresses and losses as well.

In 2014, I started training for a half marathon while coaching basketball and home-schooling my four other children. I started getting strep about every other month. Then came sharp and unpredictable abdominal pain and headaches. There were afternoons I fell asleep on the couch... and then evenings I would fall asleep on the couch some more... until it came to the point toward the end of spring I wasn't getting out of bed because I was in and out of sleep so much. When I did get up I was light headed and dizzy, sometimes even nauseous.

The results of a saliva test in May showed I had Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and Adrenal Fatigue with some thyroid discrepancies. I have been working with a couple doctors since June trying to heal and although some things have helped and other things have been ruled out, I don't feel like I am coming back together yet. Maybe poor health will always be a thorn in my side.  Maybe all that is being taken away and all that is being taught will make me a different person than pre-2014.

There are so many challenges and lessons in this season and I don't want to forget what God is doing. It has been and continues to be a wrestling of spirit and flesh, the immortal with the immortal.