Frustration

Part of having a blog is being able to have the place where I can vent, and vent I must do.

PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Sydrome) makes weight loss practically impossible.  I still don't quite understand it all, but something about not processing insulin properly...  my mind is still muddled from all the articles, pamphlets, and web pages researching more about this stupid condition.

I remember when my test results came back and my GYN told me the first and best thing I could do was to lose 50 pounds (after telling me that PCOS makes losing weight almost impossible).  She wanted to put me on a diabetic prescription to help, but I refused.

I had been training for a half-marathon and my eating habits were reflective of that goal.  I figured that kind of training and eating (running 3-4 times a week, with cross training in between) would shed those pounds. After 5 months, there was NO weight change! Are you kidding me!

I had begun to see a new primary doctor who agreed with me about not taking the diabetic medicine. He also took me off the training schedule as I was diagnosed with adrenal fatigue and I was using all my reserves training.  I went with a new eating plan that counted and balanced carbs and fats.  Needless to say, I didn't lose any weight.

When I had my check up with my GYN, she again mentioned that she didn't think I would lose any weight without the diabetic prescription. I caved. If training for a half and two different eating plans wouldn't take the weight off, then I guessed I needed that kind of help.

I've been on the prescription for three months now.  I am surprised and yet happy it has taken away the unpredictable and severe pelvic pain that comes with PCOS. However, I haven't lost any weight... again.

I know my GYN is going to say that I need to give it more time, but right now I think the benefit of pain relief is being out weighed by the side effects.  Also, my nautropath and several articles have shown apple cider vinegar to be much more effective and more healthy alternative to the prescription.

There is a frustration with that though.  ACV (Apple Cider Vinegar) needs to be taken 1/2 hour before meals for best results.  I know it will be just another adjustment I need to make, but ACV isn't as convenient to carry around to take before meals on the run or at other venues than my home.

There are a few more natural options the primary and I are looking into. I'm not sure how many more supplements I can afford or am willing to take. Pretty soon I think I won't have the need to eat as all the supplements will be what fills me up. :(

The last couple months, I have been trying to go gluten free while also trying to keep that ideal carb/fat ratio which frankly is a nightmare.  Now the primary and I are toying with an anti-inflammatory protocol (or autoimmune paleo). The struggle here is that there are some foods I am not supposed to have due to adrenal fatigue and others I can't with fibromyalgia and some I can't with PCOS. It's frankly quite confusing to figure out what I should and shouldn't be eating for health's sake.

This is frustrating... it's beyond frustrating. Yes, it's only weight. Yes, it hasn't created as much havoc as most struggling with it.  Yes, Glory will take it away. But for now it feels consuming... consuming my time in researching, planning meals, taking handfuls of supplements various times of the day, and trying to remember what God says about me and not what this condition says.

I am not seeing the results I had hoped. I need wisdom, endurance, and faith that I'm okay... that I'll be okay. I'm beautiful even if I am overweight and have acne. I'm lovable even if my body is unpredictable. I'm strong even if I can't maintain a certain eating plan.

Hope is What I Crave

A couple weeks ago I went to a naturopath. I love my primary doctor and agree with his treatment, but after not seeing progress I desired after six months, I was getting discouraged. I realize adrenal fatigue and PCOS are challenging conditions to treat and take time to show signs of improvement,but I missed being human. A few doors swung open and I was able to consult with a local naturopathic physician.

After a few hours, I came home with a plan and six new supplements.  It has been a bit of a juggling act remembering what to take and when to take everything.  Even so, after the first couple days it felt like a few switches had been turned back on that had been off for too long!

~ I can actually wake up without struggling to get out of bed and feeling like a zombie for hours.

~ I wake earlier and I don't dread waking up.

~ I'm not falling asleep anytime I sit down, although I still have a stray nap or two sneak up on me.

~ Activities or even the thought of all that has to be done aren't AS crushingly overwhelming.

But there are some things that have gotten worse:

~ I ache a lot more.

~ I can't fall asleep and stay asleep as well at night.
~ I've developed an irritating rash I can't seem to get rid of (that started before the change in supplements).

Other things have remained the same with no change. And yet, now I have hope that those symptoms may get better in time.  

Living without hope was suffocating.  I wrestled with contentment. God had brought me to a place in the last six months of me asking "What if THIS is my life?". It took many long, heart broken prayers to come to the place where I just wanted and NEEDED contentment. Again, I had to remind myself God is good, He is all powerful and He is wise.  If I had to be still (literally) then I would use that time to know God and enjoy God and enjoy all He had for me even if it was not what I wanted.

But God... has given me hope that even though some struggles may remain until heaven He still can and will give respite. And I am thankful for this glimmer of hope He has given .