Lessons from an Orchid

I wrote this October 20, 2014. I thought it would be a good reminder to post it here on my blog.
A dear friend gave me an orchid this summer.  It has the most gorgeous blooms of pink and maroon.  I don't know much about orchids, so when I started reading more about how to care for this beauty I was saddened to read it will need pruning.  When I have thought about the word "pruning" I have thought about deadheading or cutting off dead and non-fruit bearing limbs. With the orchid, I am to cut off LIVE and THRIVING blossoms by cutting the bottom of the stalk. I can't bring myself to do it.  

I feel like that orchid, as God is doing that kind of pruning in my life. The beginning of this year, I started dealing with persistent abdominal pain, fatigue, and strep almost every month.  By this summer, any kind of activity would land me in bed for the next day.  I would get up to get the kids meals and fall asleep for the rest of the day.  I remember crying one day and asking God why the doctors didn't have answers and five minutes later through a gal I was meeting with He answered that prayer by giving me the name of another doctor who was able to get some answers. 

Turns out I have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and Adrenal Fatigue. It's been a confusing and challenging time dealing with light headedness, fatigue, not able to think, aches, lymphatic system not draining, etc. The adrenal glands regulate energy production and storage, immune function, heart rate, muscle tone, and other processes.  The adrenals are constantly shifting the little energy they have to different functions of the body which means most of the functions don't have the full support they need.

One of the hardest things to adjust to is all that has been "taken" or pruned.  I have lost confidence in myself.  I don't know when I will snap with the slightest stress, cry for no reason, have an energy burst or energy crash.  I have lost relationships. I don't have energy to make the effort and have had to cancel countless plans.  I have lost hobbies. 

God is cutting away good things, the beautiful blossoms in my life.  I am cut bare, vulnerable.... down to the bare minimum.  My focus has had to been refined.  And yes, I am still struggling with the changes, the pruning, the refining. Like those gorgeous orchid blossoms, I want to hang onto my own strength, relationships, and the things that bring joy to my life.  

I strive to find a different kind of joy in this journey. I strive to bless His name who takes away, because I KNOW He always gives something better - Himself.  I know there is a harvest of blossoms coming.  I know that this time of pruning will reap rewards of a closer walk with Christ and a better, focused calling as wife and mother.  

I don't share this for pity, although prayer is always welcome.  I share because I know I am not the only one who is fighting a battle... a battle of seeing the benefits of pruning in your life.  Not only are you not alone, but take courage as there is a harvest coming - and it's beautiful.  So goodbye, blossoms.  Even though life feels dormant, new growth is around the corner. 

Heb 12:11  For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. 

Php 3:8  Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ. 

Psa 16:5-6  The LORD is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance. 

Brokenness is What We Can Long For

I was recently given the honor of speaking at a ladies' get together at our church. I wasn't sure what to talk about as God has truly done so many great and marvelous things in my life. As much as I fought it, God wanted me to talk about my current health struggle.I was concerned that I have talked about my health so much, that people would be bored... that it would be irrelevant. But God reminded me that HIS WORD is always relevant and relevant to all situations.So for the sake of prosperity, I have copied my notes to this blog.

This particular chapter of my life starts in January of 2014 at which time I started getting strep every other month and some bronchitis episodes.  I kept pushing through homeschooling, being an Upward basketball coach, and training for a half marathon hoping that the summer would come and kill all the viruses and my immune system would catch up. Unfortunately by mid-summer I was dealing with much more:  vision issues, hearing would come and go, hair was falling out in clumps, I had unpredictable pelvic pain, my feet would turn blue even though I was not cold, my fingers and arms would go numb, I could hardly climb stairs because I often felt weak, when I got up from lying down or sitting I would get dizzy and almost black out, and this all cumulated to days where I was so tired I ended sleeping in bed for most of the day. 

My self-confidence wavered.  I couldn’t trust my body. My self -esteem plummeted. I hated my thinning hair, prevalent acne, and weight that wouldn’t budge. My self-worth slumped as I couldn’t meet my husband and children’s needs.  I felt like an awful friend as I withdrew more than usual as I could hardly handle just conversing not to mention any fun activities. Lie after lie embedded themselves into my heart, lies about who God was and who I was.

After several doctor visits and many labs, I was handed the diagnosis of Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, Abnormal Thyroid Function, Adrenal Fatigue, and an autoimmune rash. These explained many of my symptoms and with medication, supplements, and lifestyle changes I have seen some improvement.  Unfortunately , some symptoms are not going away and I will need to find a specialist if I want to continue digging deeper for answers.

We all have our challenges, our battles, our trials. It may be relationships, financial, or health conditions (that make mine look like a minor sneeze).  How are we to respond to them as daughters of the King? The Bible gives us many answers, here are a few that have been powerful to me lately.

1.To remember all His benefits as Psalm 103:2 says. The psalm continues to remind us of all He has done for us: forgiveness, healing, redemption, justice, loving us a high as the heavens are above the earth, showing us compassion, remembering our frame and that we are dust among so many other things. We are called to praise Him for those things! In the midst of dark times, I am to remember all He has done for me personally, thank Him for those and trust Him to work my good once again!

               

  Also, play the “I spy whatever is” game.  Philippians 4:8 tells me to think about things that are true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, worthy of praise. When my heart is churning out lies or negativity about my situation, I need to redirect my perspective by saying “I spy something TRUE” and then name something true. I then go through the whole list to remind myself of what God has done and is doing for me.

2. God places hedges around me  (Job 3:23) and He has placed walls around me (Lamentations 3:7). I definitely feel limited and constrained. I am not as active or involved as I desire. His hedges and walls force me to look up. One of my favorite names for God is Lifter of My Head. I’ve drawn that name from the song “Shield About Me”. Now I can sing it with the recognition that when He closes around me it’s not only for my protection but also when He lifts my head for me to gaze into His face. I yearn to see my limitations with the thought Psalm 16:6 denotes “The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places”.

3. God gives songs in the night (Job 35:10). When I am feeling down but my heart hurts too much for words, I find music that praises Christ. These are songs we can sing knowing that He sang after the Last Supper knowing what was before Him (Matthew 26:30) and Paul sang while he was imprisoned. (Acts 16:25). When we sing in our tribulations, we also join the Lover of our Souls.  Zephaniah 3:17 says,  “The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing".

4.Trials break us and brokenness is okay because it shows God’s power in our lives.

2Co 4:7-9  But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed. Like in Judges 7 sometimes God breaks us to let His light shine through like Gideon and his army did to confound the enemy.

 Lyrics from “Broken Vessels” by Hillsong say,

“You take our failure

You take our weakness

You set Your treasure

In jars of clay

So take this heart, Lord

I'll be Your vessel

The world to see

Your love in me"

Brokenness is also for our good. It prunes off the dead so that we will be more fruitful (John 15:2). Isa 48:10  "Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tried you in the furnace of affliction". We also endure knowing that He will bring us forth as gold. (Job 23:10)

6.  Know you have an audience and respond well to adorn the gospel. Titus 2:10 says, "so that in everything they may adorn the doctrine of God our Savior". Hebrews 12:1  "Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us".

7. Share your brokenness. "Grain must be ground to make bread" Isaiah 28:28 declares. This sounds like a fortune cookie, doesn't it? :) I love this excerpt from "Streams in the Dessert" : "Many of us cannot be used as food for the world's hunger, because we have yet to be broken in God's hands. 'Grain must be ground to make bread,' and being a blessing of His often requires sorrow on our part. Yet even sorrow is not too high a price to pay for the privilege of touching other lives with Christ's blessings. The things that are most precious to us today have come to us through tears and pain". JR Miller

It continues, "God has made me as bread for His chosen ones , and if it is necessary for me to "be ground" in the teeth of lions in order to feed His children, then blessed be the name of the Lord." Ignatius

And one more thought from there: "To burn brightly our lives must first experience the flame. In other words, we ceases to bless others when we cease to bleed."

II Corinthians 1:3-4 says, "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."

May you be comforted by our God. May you share comfort to those with ANY affliction and be blessed.

Throwing up my hands

It's been a while.. I am still trying to sort out how I feel about my health right now.  I wish I had some joyous post saying I've been healed!

My last labwork revealed some endocrine levels have improved, although not yet optimal. Some endocrine levels doubled in the wrong direction. Some levels just don't make sense in correlation to the whole picture.

The doctor I have been seeing has been great. I am so thankful that I am not where I was a year ago, practically bed ridden and dealing with strep every month. However, he has admitted he does not know what to do next... he is at the end of his expertise in helping me. I have no doubt he was my answer to prayer a year ago, now I await how God will answer me this year.

I also had a check up with the nautropath. The scan showed I have a hiatal hernia and parasites along with a few other issues. I am only going to treat the hernia and parasites at this time and hope the other fall into place.

Still troublesome:
~ my eyes have a focusing issue (I just had an eye exam and there isn't any apparent reason they are struggling)
~ my hearing gets unpredictably worse and then returns to normal
~ dizzy and feel like passing out when getting up from sitting or lying down
~ lots of hair still falling out
~ autoimmune rash is still triggered although I am on autoimmune eating protocol
~ toes and feet turn purple often
~ daily tingling in arms and fingers
~ unpredictable pelvic pain
~ easily tired and stressed
~ still fatigued
~ still stiff and achy

I'm throwing up my hands. I'm going to take a break from doctors and research. I can't do this anymore. I can't keep track of the supplements and treatments I already am on. God has provided financially so far, but I find the financial aspect of this journey too stressful at this point.

And I'm throwing up my hands in praise. Sometimes the issues today blind me to what it was like a year ago. I am so thankful that the Lord has allowed me to plug along. I may have only had limited strength for only my kids and my husband, but it was enough. His grace has been enough.

I know I am learning so much, I pray I retain the wisdom He has given me through this.

Frustration

Part of having a blog is being able to have the place where I can vent, and vent I must do.

PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Sydrome) makes weight loss practically impossible.  I still don't quite understand it all, but something about not processing insulin properly...  my mind is still muddled from all the articles, pamphlets, and web pages researching more about this stupid condition.

I remember when my test results came back and my GYN told me the first and best thing I could do was to lose 50 pounds (after telling me that PCOS makes losing weight almost impossible).  She wanted to put me on a diabetic prescription to help, but I refused.

I had been training for a half-marathon and my eating habits were reflective of that goal.  I figured that kind of training and eating (running 3-4 times a week, with cross training in between) would shed those pounds. After 5 months, there was NO weight change! Are you kidding me!

I had begun to see a new primary doctor who agreed with me about not taking the diabetic medicine. He also took me off the training schedule as I was diagnosed with adrenal fatigue and I was using all my reserves training.  I went with a new eating plan that counted and balanced carbs and fats.  Needless to say, I didn't lose any weight.

When I had my check up with my GYN, she again mentioned that she didn't think I would lose any weight without the diabetic prescription. I caved. If training for a half and two different eating plans wouldn't take the weight off, then I guessed I needed that kind of help.

I've been on the prescription for three months now.  I am surprised and yet happy it has taken away the unpredictable and severe pelvic pain that comes with PCOS. However, I haven't lost any weight... again.

I know my GYN is going to say that I need to give it more time, but right now I think the benefit of pain relief is being out weighed by the side effects.  Also, my nautropath and several articles have shown apple cider vinegar to be much more effective and more healthy alternative to the prescription.

There is a frustration with that though.  ACV (Apple Cider Vinegar) needs to be taken 1/2 hour before meals for best results.  I know it will be just another adjustment I need to make, but ACV isn't as convenient to carry around to take before meals on the run or at other venues than my home.

There are a few more natural options the primary and I are looking into. I'm not sure how many more supplements I can afford or am willing to take. Pretty soon I think I won't have the need to eat as all the supplements will be what fills me up. :(

The last couple months, I have been trying to go gluten free while also trying to keep that ideal carb/fat ratio which frankly is a nightmare.  Now the primary and I are toying with an anti-inflammatory protocol (or autoimmune paleo). The struggle here is that there are some foods I am not supposed to have due to adrenal fatigue and others I can't with fibromyalgia and some I can't with PCOS. It's frankly quite confusing to figure out what I should and shouldn't be eating for health's sake.

This is frustrating... it's beyond frustrating. Yes, it's only weight. Yes, it hasn't created as much havoc as most struggling with it.  Yes, Glory will take it away. But for now it feels consuming... consuming my time in researching, planning meals, taking handfuls of supplements various times of the day, and trying to remember what God says about me and not what this condition says.

I am not seeing the results I had hoped. I need wisdom, endurance, and faith that I'm okay... that I'll be okay. I'm beautiful even if I am overweight and have acne. I'm lovable even if my body is unpredictable. I'm strong even if I can't maintain a certain eating plan.

Hope is What I Crave

A couple weeks ago I went to a naturopath. I love my primary doctor and agree with his treatment, but after not seeing progress I desired after six months, I was getting discouraged. I realize adrenal fatigue and PCOS are challenging conditions to treat and take time to show signs of improvement,but I missed being human. A few doors swung open and I was able to consult with a local naturopathic physician.

After a few hours, I came home with a plan and six new supplements.  It has been a bit of a juggling act remembering what to take and when to take everything.  Even so, after the first couple days it felt like a few switches had been turned back on that had been off for too long!

~ I can actually wake up without struggling to get out of bed and feeling like a zombie for hours.

~ I wake earlier and I don't dread waking up.

~ I'm not falling asleep anytime I sit down, although I still have a stray nap or two sneak up on me.

~ Activities or even the thought of all that has to be done aren't AS crushingly overwhelming.

But there are some things that have gotten worse:

~ I ache a lot more.

~ I can't fall asleep and stay asleep as well at night.
~ I've developed an irritating rash I can't seem to get rid of (that started before the change in supplements).

Other things have remained the same with no change. And yet, now I have hope that those symptoms may get better in time.  

Living without hope was suffocating.  I wrestled with contentment. God had brought me to a place in the last six months of me asking "What if THIS is my life?". It took many long, heart broken prayers to come to the place where I just wanted and NEEDED contentment. Again, I had to remind myself God is good, He is all powerful and He is wise.  If I had to be still (literally) then I would use that time to know God and enjoy God and enjoy all He had for me even if it was not what I wanted.

But God... has given me hope that even though some struggles may remain until heaven He still can and will give respite. And I am thankful for this glimmer of hope He has given . 

Never Stop Dreaming

I had a few dreams I aspired to growing up.  First, I wanted to be a marine biologist.  As a typical teenage girl, I loved dolphins. I was fascinated with their speech. Visiting Sea World and the Pacific Ocean only reinforced that love.

Then I wanted to be a "fire lookout". You know the one who sits in a one room tower watching for signs of trouble (or Sasquatch) in the forest?  That developed into wanting to be a fire hot shot battling raging forest fires.  They both still appeal to me.

I have always loved music.  I started piano lessons around 7 and as the years progressed I developed my own compositions.  I wanted to eventually compose music for movie trailers and movies. In my daydreams, I owned a house by the ocean with a music studio (and no other commitments other than make music all day as I watched and listened to the waves). 

In high school I worked with a toddler with Down Syndrome implementing her IEP.  The thought of working with children with disabilities in the future appealed to me.  The toddler's grandfather, who was a speech therapist himself in Washington, watched me work and told me I had the skill to become a great speech therapist.  

I also loved to write.  The local newspaper allowed me to take photos and write articles for couple years, but ultimately I aspired to historical fiction and drama.

There was also ice skater, dancer, and participating in a triathalon on that list.

Looking towards graduation, I narrowed down my interests to lawyer or interior designer.   After asking to intern at a few places in the surrounding area, all the designers killed that desire when they told me how they hated their job.  Thus, lawyer it was to be.

Fibromyalgia killed that dream.  To tell you the truth, I am extremely grateful.  As argumentative as I could be, I was never cut out to handle that career.

I feel like this season has killed many of my dreams again.  And I wonder which ones are dreams that I am just not cut out for.  But I also know that some dreams can come true.  

One of my dream was to run a half marathon and I DID and I did it in the middle of all this health crap.  I didn't do great, but I wasn't last and I didn't quit.  I can't tell you how many times I have looked at that medal with so much gratefulness for that memory.

So I look forward.  I have some dreams and hopefully in a few years I can look back and see that I have accomplished or am able to accomplish them.

~ run a full marathon (and time well)

~ play the violin

~ write a book

~ record an album of "movie trailer music"

~ and many other dreams to come...

This song came on the radio today and I really love the lyrics.  I think it speaks to our circumstances and situations bringing us to Him.

"Call it a reason to retreat
I got some dreams that are bigger than me
I might be outmatched, outsized, the underdog in the fight of my life
Is it so crazy to believe

That You gave me the stars put them out of my reach
Called me to waters a little too deep
Oh, I've never been so aware of my need
You keep on making me see
It's way beyond me
It's way beyond me
Yeah, it's out of my league
It's way beyond me
It's way beyond me
It's way beyond …

Anything that I got the strength to do
In over my head keeps me countin' on You
I'm leaving the sweet spot, sure shot
Tradin' it all for the plans You got
Is it so crazy to believe

You take me to the place where I know I need You
Straight to the depths that I can't handle on my own
And the Lord I know, I know I need You
So take me to Your great …
Take me to Your great unknown"

Toby Mac

Undoing the Power of the Past

This isn't a post I wanted to write. It's not fun to remember.  However, it keeps coming up. We all have our stories and our wounds.  This season is reminiscent of another time and I don't like the way it makes me feel. Some demons don't like to die.

This isn't the first time I have been really ill. The last time it was this bad was almost twenty years ago when I was a freshman in college.  I loved the freedom and I enjoyed the academics.  Used to burning the candle on both ends, I thrived... until I got sick and refused to see the doctor.

A friend picked me up one day to go out.  She and I had a long standing appointment with the local pizza place.  However, we ended up at a doctor's office at which she had made an appointment for me and then paid the bill.  Turns out, I had a sinus infection, double ear infection, and the flu.

I could never seem to recover completely.  I dropped a few classes that spring and plugged along. I was constantly tired, had migraines, ached all over and was so weak it took several tries to crawl (yes, I said crawl) to the bathroom at night. I saw a gamut of doctors and had innumerable tests, including an MRI.

With no answers, I lost friends who thought I was a party pooper.  Although most of my professors were gracious with extensions and absences, the school was wary of associating with my "hypochondria". And my church had no clue and thus no support for my situation. I felt very alone.

I moved into an apartment with a couple people that summer. I had a bookkeeping job which added panic and anxiety attacks to the health issues. A doctor I was seeing didn't know what was going on and threw some pills at me to help with the symptoms.  I could hardly function and quit my job.  It took a few months to finally find a less stressful job and I barely hung on.

I made some unwise choices. Some traumatic things happened. And eventually one day I was looking  at the creek running near the apartment and thought, "What if I take every pill in the house, jump into this creek and when it goes into the culvert I don't fight it and that's the end of this?"

I realized I was at the end of myself and I needed help. At that point, I had no one except my parents. They readily welcomed me home.

They made an appointment with a rheumatologist who diagnosed me with fibromyalgia. He again threw a bunch of pills at me but when I struggled with the side effects, my mom did tons of research and found natural alternatives that helped me heal.

It took two years to recover. I re-grouped and decided I could move to attend college a few hours away. It was super scary. I had to be so careful with my health and not many understood that. Again I felt very isolated.  I was also terrified of the things that happened while I was ill. It was hard to trust myself, to trust anyone.

Fast forward to a couple years ago.... I hardly had fibromyalgia symptoms. Overexertion and weather/seasonal changes were expected to cause some flare-ups.  Otherwise, clear skies and smooth sailing, so to speak.

Now I face this giant... this monster multiplied and I realize I am filled with FEAR; fear that remembers the last battle and what it cost.  Not only do I not have my parents readily available physically but I have my own family that I am responsible for.  I feel so vulnerable. I feel weak. There's a huge level of mistrust and maybe even some slight paranoia. I'm scared of being misunderstood. I'm scared of being abandoned.

I know this fear has to be conquered. 2Timothy 1:7  "For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control".  God is providing an opportunity to get into this old wound and heal it some more. Maybe I will have less of a scar, but it sure isn't pretty.

I have to remind myself of TRUTH. This is a different experience.  It is happening alongside a loving husband and adoring children. I have friends who stick close as sisters. My church uplifts me and my family in prayer. And whatever power the past and present has on me I say, "As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good" Genesis 50:20.

Undoing the Stigma of the Bench

Basketball and Cheerleading has started for my kids this year. I was my son's coach for a couple years, but this year I had to decline. It was a tough decision. I love basketball. I love this program. I love my son and the bonding opportunity.

Saturday was their first game. As I sat watching my son, prompting plays, and cheering on his efforts I started to cry.  Just the adrenaline of watching was bringing symptoms to the surface and I ended up crashing that afternoon just from being a spectator.

I am so conflicted in emotion.  Right there was confirmation of making the right decision. My body is just not up to coaching this year.  And yet, I am extremely sad. I miss it so much. And there is some frustration as I feel like I have been pulled from the game and benched.

I was thinking about that this morning.  "Why have You benched me, God?" I feel like I was playing the game of life well.  I was executing plays, making baskets, assisting others, etc.  It seemed like I was an integral part of the team and growing in my knowledge and application of the game. "What have I done wrong to pull me out?"

I started going through the reasons why a coach might pull a player out of the game:
~ not hearing the coach's voice whether because of the excitement of the crowd, self-absorption, or other voices are louder.
~ allowing another player to play that position
~ providing rest in order to be put in for the last quarter
~ giving instruction on how to better play, tweak a play, and so forth

There's other scenarios as well. And I wonder. "Which of these apply to me?". Ultimately, it doesn't matter.  If I trust that God is good, that God is wise, and that God is powerful, the "why" doesn't really matter. If I trust God and His promises, I endure this season knowing that this is for my good (God loves me and wants my best) and for God's glory (that this "suffering" is not for nothing and will serve a higher purpose than just getting through).

And yet, receiving some personal, intimate ideas of why I have been benched has given some relief as well.  I am not being punished - a good Coach doesn't play that way.  I may have some behaviors that need refined, but I have a Coach that is giving me some one on one time to correct those. I may just have played my heart out the last quarter and need a rest. Or maybe someone else needs to step up and step into the places I can't play at this time.  Maybe the game is about to get harder and being benched is going to prepare me for the "last quarter".  I don't know, maybe it's all of the above.  But like I had to learn in high school basketball... it's not always a bad thing to be benched.

Undoing Control on a Molecular Level

The previous couple days have been rough.  Last week added some extra activities and I started fighting off some bug.  I've been tired, achy, discouraged and really not doing much of anything.

However, today I felt better.  I felt like maybe my body is finally kicking some of this bug. I have less of a headache, less sinus pressure, less aches and fatigue.

I generally take mornings slowly.  I have learned that if I pop out of bed and charge into my list of things to do, I am not only done for the day by noon (or sooner) but in huge trouble in every aspect: spiritually, physically, emotionally, mentally - I have spent all the energy allotted for that day.

I sit down at the computer with my breakfast to go through emails and set up the tabs we need for school.  All of a sudden I have a panic attack! I am not stressed, there are no demands on me, I'm not thinking of anything, no triggers, anything. I suddenly have a hard time breathing, my heart is racing, I'm nauseated and I am sweating.  I haven't had a panic attack like this in years.

I tell myself that I am okay (because I truly am). And now I start crying (for no reason) and shivering.

I have no idea what that was.  Maybe it was a rush of cortisol because maybe my adrenals are finally producing some... Maybe it was something else going on in this crazy body. All I know is I have used most of my energy for the day in a few minutes on something completely pointless... and I am a little ticked by that.

The point of sharing this is, I am reminded that I can't always control when and what goes on inside the tent God has given me.  There's so much going on in our bodies that we are dependent on God even for just taking the next breath.  Although that is scary sometimes, I am so glad to know that He is taking care of it even to the tiniest atom of my being.

Adrenal Fatigue

I joined a online group for Adrenal Fatigue a while ago in which a woman speaking from experience said, " Healing Advanced AF is worse than healing terminal Cancer. At least when I had Cancer, I could see that the protocols I was doing were working and healing my body. With AF; NOTHING!!!" 

I obviously haven't had cancer, and I will not die from adrenal fatigue however,  her statement resonated with me.  And in no way, do I ever want to dismiss what cancer patients go through because it is more than I could fathom.  I just felt so relieved that someone had the guts to say what is frustrating me.  I can't tell you how many different things are suggested and how many things I have tried and I still can't see the end of the tunnel! 

Adrenal Fatigue Syndrome is such a rampant disease and yet there is so much unknown about it. I thought I would share a few things that are known.

"Adrenal fatigue is a collection of signs and symptoms, known as a syndrome, that results when the adrenal glands function below the necessary level. Most commonly associated with intense or prolonged stress, it can also arise during or after acute or chronic infections, especially respiratory infections such as influenza, bronchitis or pneumonia. As the name suggests, its paramount symptom is fatigue that is not relieved by sleep but it is not a readily identifiable entity like measles or a growth on the end of your finger. You may look and act relatively normal with adrenal fatigue and may not have any obvious signs of physical illness, yet you live with a general sense of unwellness, tiredness or "gray" feelings. People experiencing adrenal fatigue often have to use coffee, colas and other stimulants to get going in the morning and to prop themselves up during the day....

Adrenal fatigue can wreak havoc with your life. In the more serious cases, the activity of the adrenal glands is so diminished that you may have difficulty getting out of bed for more than a few hours per day. With each increment of reduction in adrenal function, every organ and system in your body is more profoundly affected. Changes occur in your carbohydrate, protein and fat metabolism, fluid and electrolyte balance, heart and cardiovascular system, and even sex drive. Many other alterations take place at the biochemical and cellular levels in response to and to compensate for the decrease in adrenal hormones that occurs with adrenal fatigue. Your body does its best to make up for under-functioning adrenal glands, but it does so at a price." Dr. James Wilson

"As adrenal function is weakened further, the body's need for adrenal hormones remains unabated if stress is not reduced. The adrenals are no longer able to keep up with the ever-increasing demand for cortisol production needed to overcome the stress and they become exhausted. Cortisol output starts to decline and this usually happens gradually. If the stressors are severe, an adrenal crash may occur, to be followed by a longer than usual recovery. The body enters into the stage where the primary goal is conservation of energy to ensure survival. Systematically, the body goes into a slow-down mode and starts to break down muscle tissue to produce energy. This catabolic stage results in the breakdown of muscles and protein wasting. Chronic fatigue is common and exercise tolerance is reduced. Concurrently, chronic fibromyalgia appears. Toxic metabolites begin to accumulate throughout the body, leading to brain fog and insomnia. Depression becomes severe and constant...

 As the body tries to repair itself with the limited tools it has, there are wild, exaggerated and paradoxical autonomic-driven reactions. These are characterized by adrenaline rushes, labile blood pressure, and hypoglycemic episodes after meals and anxiety attacks. Without sufficient levels of hormones, the body goes into a full-blown shut down mode to stop as much of the non-essential functions as possible to conserve energy in order to survive. Libido is suppressed, digestion slows down and metabolic rate declines to conserve body weight. Those afflicted find themselves bed-ridden most of the time, and have energy that will last for only a short time." Dr. Lam

Tremendous Thing

"Of course we never wanted, and never asked, to be made into the sort of creatures He is going to make us into. But the question is not what we intended ourselves to be, but what He intended us to be when He made us...

The job will not be completed in this life: but He means to get us as far as possible before death. That is why we must not be surprised if we are in for a rough time. When a man turns to Christ and seems to be getting on pretty well, he often feels that it would now be natural if things went fairly smoothly. When troubles come along — illnesses, money troubles, new kinds of temptation — he is disappointed. These things, he feels, might have been necessary to rouse him and make him repent in his bad old days; but why now? Because God is forcing him on, or up, to a higher level: putting him into situations where he will have to be very much braver, more more patient, or more loving, than he ever dreamed of being before. It seems to us all unnecessary: but that is because we have not yet had the slightest notion of the tremendous thing He means to make of us." ~ CS Lewis

I could use a little more bravery, a little more patience, and a little more love. And yet,  I truly am hating (and not yet embracing) the means God is bringing those virtues.  However, I am SO immensely encouraged to know I am not in this situation because I am being punished and I AM comforted to know that this process is making me more like Christ... even in the midst of hating almost everything about it.  I truly want to get to the point where I am embracing this as a gift... and get excited about the "tremendous thing He means to make of [me}."

Present Symptoms

My symptoms may bore you and that's fine. And obviously this list isn't comprehensive - there are some symptoms I just am not going to share.

I want to mark where I am presently and hopefully see improvement down the road. These are what I am dealing with currently:

fatigue
dizziness
headaches
heart palpitations
nausea
chills and hot flashes
momentary muscle weakness
aches
hair loss
blurry vision in one eye or the other
cystic acne
tingling in hands and legs
abdominal pain
can't think or concentrate well
unable to lose weight
getting food caught in the "gullet"
easily overwhelmed (I absolutely hate this one)


Some things that have gotten BETTER:
not in bed all day
haven't had strep or throat issues in a while
lymph system draining
no longer have to wear night guard for my teeth due to grinding teeth

Intro

2014 was supposed to be a good year.

And it did have it's good points.

But it was also the year I started to become undone. Merriam-Webster defines undone as
: not fastened or tied

: not done : unfinished

: defeated or destroyed

I think this word and all it's definitions have applied at different times.  And I look forward to how God is going to bring the good and show His glory through each one.

This undoing has come about through a cumulation of many things. God brought my family through some scary situations over the last few years: preterm labor and delivery of our special needs son, his illnesses and hospital stays, and recurrent staph infections in my husband's leg among other stresses and losses as well.

In 2014, I started training for a half marathon while coaching basketball and home-schooling my four other children. I started getting strep about every other month. Then came sharp and unpredictable abdominal pain and headaches. There were afternoons I fell asleep on the couch... and then evenings I would fall asleep on the couch some more... until it came to the point toward the end of spring I wasn't getting out of bed because I was in and out of sleep so much. When I did get up I was light headed and dizzy, sometimes even nauseous.

The results of a saliva test in May showed I had Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and Adrenal Fatigue with some thyroid discrepancies. I have been working with a couple doctors since June trying to heal and although some things have helped and other things have been ruled out, I don't feel like I am coming back together yet. Maybe poor health will always be a thorn in my side.  Maybe all that is being taken away and all that is being taught will make me a different person than pre-2014.

There are so many challenges and lessons in this season and I don't want to forget what God is doing. It has been and continues to be a wrestling of spirit and flesh, the immortal with the immortal.